You thought she was okay

You thought she was okay because she said she was. You thought she was okay because she was always there for everyone else. Because she always seemed so happy. Because she has the perfect family. Because if she wasn’t okay then everyone around her wouldn’t be okay.

This is the laundry in my house. As you can tell, it’s not from 1 or 2 weeks. Some of these clothes I haven’t seen in months!! Some of you will judge me and say I’m a slob or lazy or some other negative image but this is what depression looks like for me. Nobody likes laundry so I won’t paint it like everyone else in the world stays on top of it except me but this is a bit over the top. (I’m aware we have too many clothes) I have spent the better part of the last 3 years being depressed, sad, angry, lonely, every negative emotion you could possibly feel. It’s been so hard to keep the house clean, so hard to keep my family happy, so hard to prepare meals, so hard to get off the couch some days.

I would look at my house in disgust every day but yet I couldn’t bring myself to fix the problem. Before long, the mess in the house became part of what made me more depressed. It was such a terrible cycle that I felt I couldn’t get out of alone. All the little cries for help, nobody noticed. Not that I tried to make it very noticeable because asking for help just wasn’t something I was okay with. But I craved it. I craved the desire for somebody to notice, for somebody to care enough to know what to do without me having to ask.

There became a point where I was just fed up with feeling this way and fed up with living this way. I knew I was the only one who could pull me out of the place I was in. I started making life changes, positive thinking anytime I could. I had to pull myself out! And that is okay🙃 I realized that it’s selfish to put that responsibility on someone else. As nice as it is to feel like the people around you care, in the ways that you need, it’s a hell of a lot nicer to know that you saved yourself. To know that you are so powerful that you can do the very thing you didn’t think you ever could.

This isn’t just about being a special needs parent because everyone goes through this, but I wanted to share in hopes that it would help someone. Someone who sees me and thinks I have it all together. Its ok to be broken, but it’s not okay to expect someone else to put you back together. Love yourself enough to do it for yourself. I hope you all find the peace you need to be happy🤍 I did, and I did it all by myself🤍

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