Triggers and Depression.

Today, we attended a funeral for a small child. I didn't know him personally, but we know his parents. I know how important it is to have support during these hard times so, I wanted to go. This triggered me more than I ever thought it would and I couldn't stop sobbing the entire time. Watching his parents' cry, feeling the pain as if I lived it a thousand times; crippled me because naturally it made me face the fact that I very well may be in this position one day. After having the twins, I lived my darkest days to date. Days that I thought I was over, days that I fought so hard to overcome. For years I struggled, until one day I knew I didn't want to live this life anymore. (A story for another day) I scared myself so much that, I made myself get better. Mindset is a powerful thing. I changed so much during the last four years I feel like a completely different person, one that I am so happy to be. I've learned what I think I was meant to learn in this life, I live with so much love and appreciation every day. And then, there are triggers. Many things trigger me and most of you would never know. Seeing these parents living through the nightmare I think about everyday sent me in a downhill spiral. Most days I feel happy and full of optimism but today hit me like it did years ago. The crazy thing is when I feel down, I feel exactly like I did in my darker days. Like if I hadn't made any progress at all. I've felt this many times and it never sticks around for longer than a few days, a week at most. I've learned to sit in the dark alone and pick myself up alone just the same. Not because I don't have people around who love me, but I never want to burden anyone with what seems to be a broken record at times. They say an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, I can only think it's the same for someone with depression, it's a struggle that never really goes away. I thought I was better, I thought I won the battle. The fall back to these dark days make me feel like I never actually got better, I just learned how to live with it. I'm nowhere near as down as I use to be, but days like today really make me question my progress. I guess that's the beauty of life though, there's growth in every situation and lessons at every turn. My dark days have created a beautiful life through my eyes, and I am forever grateful. My fight is never over but I win every day. Stay strong out there and on the really hard days, hold on to the things that make you even a little bit happier, a little bit tighter🖤

RIP Sweet Baby Seth

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