Happy but sad days.

Days like today make such great memories. The kids are having so much fun playing the arcade games, smiles and laughs all day long. It’s a good day and even Kylie looked like she was enjoying the lights and cool things to look at. One out of the hundreds of times I kiss Kylie a day, I felt a tear rolling down her cheek. The thought of this has already crossed my mind the moment we stepped foot in here. Is she conscious enough to know where we’re at and how much fun it is? Conscious enough to feel sad that she cannot play like the other kids? These thoughts are crippling to me and I no longer feel happy, so much so that I feel sick to my stomach. But this is not a new feeling to me, I’m Haunted by it often especially on days I should feel the happiest. I try not to let it show for the sake of my other kids and family; it’s something I’ve perfected over the last 3 years. I know Kylie has limited physical abilities but I have NEVER treated her as such and I always talk to her like if she was a typical 3 year old. So in my mind, she thinks like we do! I’m sure she has limits up there too but I can’t see those so I will always continue to treat her as her age. I’ve always thought that she was trapped in a body that she just can’t control. So it’s no surprise that I think she feels sad when she cannot do the same things as the other kids. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe she is totally content how she is a doesn’t get sad about those things. Which I’m sure is what the doctors would say because scientifically that part of her brain is gone. Consciousness though is something that I personally think is separate from the human parts. Well anyway, this is just one of the many struggles I face being her mom. Sounds pretty petty compared to what she must feel inside but then again, most days I believe our souls are one, mine and hers. I will continue to give her the happiest life I possibly can because at the end of the day, that’s all I have to offer. God, the Universe, the Higher Power must think I am some kind of supernatural to handle all the emotions that are thrown my way. It’s not easy fighting all the thoughts in my head about the situation we’ve been given but she depends on me so there’s no other option but to keep Fighting! Sorry for the ramble. I could talk for days about her and everything that comes with our situation. I’m not sure these Happy/Sad days will ever stop, I’ll simply find new ways to handle them. She should be running Right there beside Kinley, wearing the same matching clothes, hair bouncing the in the same pigtails, smiling from ear to ear with those deep dimples shining! I know there’s a purpose but on days like today, it’s so hard to understand and trust ‘the why’. Until next time, always remember to smile and bee kind🐝

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